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April 2008
Wed, Apr. 2nd, 2008 11:05 am

I definitely haven't posted on this lovely website in a long time. It's fun to visit once in a while, look at my past, relive thoughts, etc.

Here's an update in my life. I'm a fifth year here at school. I finally made it, and I'm graduating in less than 3 months. It's exciting and scary and unbelievable all at the same time.

As for recent times, I've been living in this house 8 miles south of Irvine in a city called Lake Forest. I have my own room still, but the owner of the house is pretty strict. She won't allow overnight guests so it's tough even to just have my sister visit me. She also stopped me from using a personal heater because those machines breaches her "fire insurance." In retrospect I guess her regulations make sense. Guests aren't allowed probably cause it's kind of awkward to have them, and personal heaters do pose a threat to the safety of the house. In the end though, I think she just doesn't want to deal with the extra costs that come with both situations. She's this cute Vietnamese lady who used to own a bunch of nail salons before she retired. She gives me fruits from her backyard and sometimes cooks me dinner. All in all I'm not complaining.

I also had to tell my parents that I am gay. Excuse me, that I like men (because apparently I don't act like a gay guy. How is a gay guy supposed to act? That's for another post). Anyways, times are already pretty shaky without having to come out what with graduation and the job search and really planning for the rest of my life. My parents are also going through some crappy times what with the house remodeling that's taking more than a year to do. Nevertheless, I don't have regrets on my part. The only regret that I have is that it wasn't as positive as I had hoped for. It wasn't all that bad, I mean my parents still talk to me and I am welcome to come home whenever I want. They do request that I try not to keep girlfriends out of my life, but even that will be hard to come by (especially after reading my previous post). Thanks to all my friends in advance for all your support. I definitely am aware that it will take a long time before my parents can finally accept who I am, but it's ok. Normality and homeostasis in families especially in America is relative, and time will only tell.

I still have the same car. I've been wearing the same clothes for the past year. I still have a majority of my closest friends by my side. I look the same but I definitely don't feel the same. In a sense, I feel as though a part of me died. I'm being emo here. It's hard to describe. I don't have that same spark that I used to have. It could of been the drinking/drugs, all the times I was screwed over literally and figuratively, and just experiencing life. I guess that's what's part of growing up is that you "mature" emotionally. Or maybe I'm just purely heartless now. I'm taking Janelle to a lot of places because my mom and dad are kind of old for that stuff and they look more and more tired as time passes. But even when we do crazy cool things, I am not impressed too much. I mean Lord knows my family is not poor, but we're not rich either. I really don't understand why emotionally feel burned out, but that's OK too.

Nevertheless, coming out, doing really well in school, and getting so close to graduation has really upped the confidence that I have for myself. I'm not afraid to voice out my opinion to anyone, even if it's my research adviser, my friends, or my parents, even if I can't articulate it well. I'm improving the way I talk and I can explain things much better than before. I admit there are still some situations when blah-blahs come out of my mouth, but it's not as frequent as before. It's a continuing process, and now that I'm aware that I can be confident, I catch myself being excessively modest. Plus I can stand up straight now. Jeez, I can't believe how long my posture has been like that but damn, hunching over for years can have a really bad effect on physical appearance and self-esteem!

Aside from a few inconveniences, life is treating me relatively well. I went home last week for a couple days, and my parents are still goofy, my sister is still sassy, and I feel quite happy. I see potential for a bright future, and I have a lot of dreams that I want to accomplish before I die, which is hopefully a long ass time from now. I can also be thankful for all of you who can put up with my bullshit, flakiness, and conceit. But of course there were the times that we had loads of fun, and I can assure you that there will be more of that in store. I love you all and may God bless you.

Until next time...


Wed, Apr. 2nd, 2008 10:54 am

What is with me putting up with the bullshit that cocky, stuck-up, selfish bastards who don't give a fuck about me. Mind you, I haven't involved myself (nor had sex) with anyone for almost a year now, but puhlease. I'm so scarred that I don't think I really want to do even just one innocent date. EVER.

I'm tired of guys who just talk about themselves or ask for pity or don't consider your ideas to be conducive to theirs. I'm sorry if I'm a great listener. I'm sorry if I am not as witty as you. I'm sorry for putting up with your bullshit, waiting like a little house-dog for his master to come back home to play with him.

A friend of mine put it well: "You like assholes who don't treat you well." Why? And when they aren't assholes (I'm going to be blunt and superficial) they are ugly or boring.

Fuck relationships, fuck dating. Getting to know another guy is a waste of time especially when they're just going to stomp on my heart. I'm not a perfect any means. I'm kind of wishy washy. I don't know how to communicate sometimes. I have ADD with family, friends, and everyone else. But GODDAMNIT, I'm worth it, and you better know it.

I gave my all to these men. I wanted more than a lay. Apparently what I wanted didn't matter because I couldn't express it well enough. Too bad...too bad.

Yes, too bad because I'm stomping my foot down, and I'm keeping it there. I'm taking a stand against you fuckers. It's pretty clear that I can't handle you because you obviously can't handle me. I don't care if I'm going to be single forever. I just don't want to waste my money, time, and whole, sane self to someone who just wouldn't give a flying fuck anyways.



Sun, Nov. 18th, 2007 10:47 am

SO I have to say that Friday was an interesting day (yay for rhymes!)

Apart from having $150 stolen from my checking account (the perps bought themselves drinks and tacos LOL...) I got to see somethign I thought I'd never see in a million years...or at least my entire life.

MY friends and I were walking out of the parking garage in West Hollywood, a kind of gay-mecca, but it can't really compare to SF or other locales world-wide. Anyways we were right at the entrance to the parking lot which lies adjacent to a busy street. My friend looks at me and says....

..."ARE they having sex? Oh my God..."

So immediately after the initial feeling of shock, I started to feel sad. I mean just a half hour ago, I was outreaching and collecting sexual health surveys trying to promote safe sex practices while handing out condoms outside the bars. And then you see this happening, you just feel like you aren't doing enough. But I took a picture anyways, and that turned my frown upside down. A random guy was walking back to his car and he kept loudly expressing "UGH!" But I bet they were too drugged up to hear. I ran further back and took another shot, a little darker, but you can see important details...

My two friends were way closer, and they just kept watching in horor and amusement. A group of people were walking towards the parking lot this time.

My friend said, "Everyone look! They're having sex!"

They kind of stopped after at least 10 full minutes of powerthrusting. I thought they were done, and I felt kind of embarassed just watching these two people with their pants down, I think the guy was holding his junk. BUT NO they weren't done. My friend said, "I think he's making her give him a blowjob!!!" OMG...

When my friends came back up to me, they told me that it wasn't two guys...

IT WAS A STRAIGHT COUPLE! (Look at the last pic, the person in front is wearing knee-length boots, and unless you're a drag queen, you won't find a gay guy wearing knee-length boots who's also trying to get some ass that night)

I mean come on! I know gay guys are completly promiscuous, but just cause we are doesn't mean we don't have class! I mean, at least hide the damn bushes!!! They were standing right outside the parking lot entrance in the middle of a busy street. But it was something fun to watch I guess... LOLZ ABOUND please, striaght people everywhere: Don't go to the gay meccas just to have street sex. GET A ROOM! EVEN A BATHROOM ! JEEZ...

And just in case you're interested, here's the rest of pics that night...


Sun, Nov. 18th, 2007 10:37 am

It seems as though people say there's something specific you have to do in order to be truly happy. Maybe not even say, but just by doing, when everyone's doing the same thing around you, you feel like "Oh, that's got to be the only way...

I roll out of bed alone, I eat alone, I take walks at the park alone, I get lost alone, I drive to places alone, I study alone, I watch movies alone, I go to church alone, and I fall asleep alone. It seems very lonely. There are times when I think, "This would feel a lot better if I am with someone." There's also the ones out there who I falsely believe are people I can "spend my entire life with forever," only to find out that "forever" lasts under 20 weeks.

Call me jaded. Tell me "You just haven't met the right one."

I didn't really sleep well last night, or for the past 4 nights at that, but I went to church today and despite my tiredness, I prayed in m y heart. I realized that I had an epiphany: I am happy. I've never been this happy for as long as I can remember. I feel so free and independent. My feelings don't rely on another's happiness, and to me, another person's happiness is just as important as my own. But the commitment and responsibility to that aspect of life that I have with my friends is just as fluid as my own contentment. For me, it feels so much easier to not have to constantly work to make one feel happy, especially after I had just upset that person since we would have an intimate relationship.

Call me selfish, call me ignorant.

A while ago I visited my friend in Fairfield, she was having a big birthday dinner with her close and extended family and friends. Everyone was having such a good time, dancing, singing, a typical filipino party. Even the grandmas had these wide smiles on their face. I can imagine what they felt like, all their children and grandchildren together, celebrating, life is good. The last of my four grandparents passed away on June of this year. I can also imagine how she felt towards the end of her life.

Before 2 years ago she had been joyful, resilient despite the drama that was happening on my Mom's side of the family, all the infidelity, anonimity, in-fighting, and estranged-ness that was going on at the time. Then she broke her arm. She suddenly got sick, she would just spend hours sleeping in front of the TV. She barely spoke except when she would say "Ha?" several times. It's like she just gave up. Then the typhoon struck, and the whole roof was ripped from the house. She lived for a few months after the renovation, but she must of felt so lonely. Her only daughter lives in another country, her two sons constantly trying to find solace in other women, all her grandchildren either far from her or unsuccessful. I felt sorrow for her and regret that I did not get to see my lola alive, but I really did feel pity for her too...I digress...

ANYWAYS, I can't remember the last time my family was like my friend's from Fairfield. Maybe when I was 6, before all this drama happend everywhere. We haven't had such a large family party since I turned 12. I feel kind of disconnected from my extended relatives, since most are so far apart, others are caught up in their other lives, and some ... are ...well, let's just say shit didn't turn out right for them. I'm not saying that I am who I am entirely because of my past, but I think that it would of helped to have a more intimate family who expresses these intimacies freely, and it would of also helped if there was less drama amongst the relatives...

But anyways, all the weird things that happend in my life, I feel like it influenced me a lot to feel this contentment in solitude. I just hope that I can realize that this is my happiness. I mean, after all, happiness is relative, and all it takes for me to be happy when I'm down in the dumps, is that all I need is myself to get myself back up on my feet.


Mon, Nov. 12th, 2007 04:46 pm

An excerpt from my textbookCollapse )

MAN...everything in this world causes cancer. What the hell. Even your own body makes the cancer, not from genes, just thru processes. Oh well.


Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 12:16 am

O H M Y G O D. For me, this movie was the end all of all summer flicks this year. I don't think any box-office block buster can top this amazingly well written, perfectly filmed movie.

OKAYokay, it's not that groundbreaking. But I saw Event Horizon, and um, that was a weird movie. But this kills it. For all the genres of movies I've seen, I have benchmarks. WWII can't top Saving Private Ryan, and Gladiator totally dominates my historical movies list (Alexander? PLEASE). This movie is my no.1 of the movies pertaining to space travel/enivornmental destruction/sci fi/thriller. Sorry "Day After Tomorrow (Oh Jakey)" and "Space Odyssey." SUNSHINE beats all of you.

All this realization after watching NOMAD (the warrior)...yes the actual title includes parenthesis as if Kazakhs needed to define what a Nomad is. Poor Jay Hernandez. Actually, I just think it's weird that a Mexican Actor was cast as the National Hero of Kazakhstan. Eh, Borat was funnier anyways.

WATCH S U N S H I N E!!!!! ( It came out last month !! lol.) WATCH IT WATCH IT WATCH IT!!!

And yes. Chris Evans is STILL hot.


Fri, Aug. 10th, 2007 12:53 am

I'm having one of those days. You know, those days where everything sucks no matter how bright the sun is shining. In reality, while life plays out, everything is going well, but emotionally, you just don't feel driven to be happy. I hope this is what a normal person goes through, otherwise I feel like I need to see a therapist.

I haven't felt like this in a while. I feel like nothing is going my way, and it is selfish, but I want things to go my way all the time. Come to think, I look back and I realize that the no. 1 reason why I feel so crappy about life sometimes is that maybe I have too many high expectations. Optimism doesn't hurt right? But it's useless when a lot of the expectations get thrown out the door.

Kids are so naive. And this isn't a bad thing either. As a kid, my memories are full of how life is so amazing, magical, undeniably true and real. People and animals and plants and everything is alive for a special purpose. Life makes things that could easily be still and unmoving into animated and, well, lively things that change the world and help one another and proliferate and enjoy life.

Then kids mature. They live, and while they do, they grow, they get taunted, they taunt, they learn pride, misery, abuse, love, hate, jealousy, greed, sorrow, disorder, entropy. War, peace, famine, abundance, sex, rape, truth, falsities, religion, death, pain. All these emotions, all this chaos. Objects are living because of a bunch of biochemical signals. Survival of the fittest. Economy based on the theory of supply and demand. Physics and motion as a series of mathematical equations. History repeating itself over and over and over. Life is so tedious.

I just watched Equilibrium, a 2002 movie that barely anyone's heard of. It's got pre-The Machinist Christian Bale, who is a hottie. Anyways...the movie takes place in a Orwelian/Brave-New-Worldish civilization which is enclosed from the war-torn outside world, but is an oasis of totalitarianism regulated by monotony and emotion-suppresing drug use. It's pretty lame for me to say, but I think that movie made me think that maybe the purpose of living is to live and experience all these emotions no matter what. Maybe it's my skewed way of thinking in this country which upholds individualism and personal (potential, and restrained)liberty, but look: if people really cared for each other they'd be helping one another every day all the time regardless of class race age health looks...nothing else seems to be a better point to live than to feel.

So I rant, but it's part of life, and I feel like life sucks, but that's cause I live to feel. Thank goodness for self therapy!


Tue, May. 8th, 2007 06:01 am

I'm taking a material science class right now, and I have a midterm in about 9 hours. I was looking through some lecture slides with pictures drawn by some douche who used cute little cartoon characters as representations of polymer chains.

Then I came across this one that depicts the apparently "kill" them.

Pretty graphic for a class, particularly the last two types on the bottom right hand corner.


Mon, Mar. 19th, 2007 02:29 am

According to Wikipedia, March 19/20 is the Feast of St. Joseph, the spouse of Mary and Jesus' step-dad. He wanted to leave Mary cause she got pregnant with some other dude. Anyways, a few mediterrenean countries traditionally celebrate his feast day with meat-less meals and giving food to the needy. Of course, the Philippines has to come up with its own special, unique brand of meals and almsgiving...

"In The Philippines, many families keep a tradition in which an old man, a young woman and a small boy are chosen from among the poor and dressed up as St. Joseph, the Virgin Mary, and the child Jesus respectively. They then sit around a table set with the family's best silverware and china, and served a variety of courses and are literally spoon-fed by senior members of the family, while the novena to St. Joseph is recited at a nearby temporary altar."

I want someone to explain this absurd and shameful act to me in complete and flawless detail.


Sun, Mar. 18th, 2007 09:04 am

(MY alarm went off but I hit it and went back to sleep because...)
My family lives in the filipino ghetto in LA, except that the city moved 400 miles north to Vallejo. LIfe's rough, there's a lot of crime and for some reason the garbage collectors never come by. A gay filipino mobster named Inday chases me around to be his/her lover. Meanwhile my family discovers I'm gay and I run away. In the end, a mysterious somebody gives out clues, including a bubble gum wrapper with a clown on it with the title "Hawthorne Heights" written. My dad finds me in a parking lot after a big foot-chase with his henchmen and I'm caught. At the end of the movie, the camera slowly focuses on one of the trashy arcades in downtown where apparently the gay mafia people like to hang out and spot new boys they want to hook up with. Throughout this whole time, One Voice's "Mad About You" keeps playing over and over and over and over...

(I haven't been getting enough sleep, and for the past 4 days I've had this crazy headache. I think this psychotic movie-dream is a product of that torture.)